On Humility

“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.”  Romans 12:3

“Then Peter opened his mouth, and said, Of a truth I perceive that God is no respecter of persons:”  Acts 10:34

Once, while volunteering at preschool, a little boy sat in my lap talking to me and playing. He looked at my face and touched my moles – to some folks they look like raised freckles. To me they look like freckles in 3D but I’ve learned to live with them. I’ve made my peace with my appearance but sometimes, it can be alarming to small children – as was the case with this little man. He looked at my face and frowned. “What’s wrong with your face?” He said, appalled. Used to the question after all these years, I answered, “They’re moles.” And I smiled to let him know it was ok. “Why you got them on your face?” He wanted to know. You should have heard him say “face”, like I was hideously disfigured. He tried to pinch one and pull it off. I could have told him that wouldn’t work – been wishing for that for years. I tried to come up with a way to explain them and make us both feel better – hey, I was starting to feel a little self-conscious. I said, “God gave them to me to make me special.” I realized then it was true. They are part of what makes me, me. He considered that for a moment and then frowned, displeased again. “Why didn’t God make me special, too?” He pouted and touched his face. Suddenly he wanted moles – especially if they were the mark of God’s favor! I laughed and assured him that God made him special, too.

Everybody has a job and a calling and none is more important than the other. Just in case you’re wondering, my gift is not the mighty power of my moles. Into my early adulthood I often wondered and I would ask God – what is my gift? It’s really akin to asking “What is my purpose in life?” I thought if I had a handle on that, everything would fall into place. My life would make sense; it would have meaning. I would know where my place was in this world and in what capacity I could serve. I could know God’s plan for my life. I remember hearing people talk about their “gifts” and not having a clue of what mine was. I mean, Stevie Wonder is a wonder, and Whitney Houston had her voice. Some people magically learn how to play musical instruments by ear. And some have voices that reach to the rafters. It seemed that God had given me nothing that was usable – nothing that made me special. I felt a little cheated.

The problem, I later found, was not that I didn’t have gifts but in how I perceived them. At first, they didn’t seem to be BIG enough for me to do great things. They just seemed to be so-so. Then I read the parable of the talents (see – What will you do with your talent? ) and realized that whatever I have been given, however small in measure, is my responsibility to make grow. Long story, short – I worked with what I had until I was entrusted with more. Soon, I had to tackle another issue – accepting what he’d called me to do. The gift has led to my calling. I was at war with myself, unable to believe that God would endow me with such talent. Like Moses, when God tapped him on the shoulder and called him to service, I thought to myself – “Who, ME?” I finally resolved this by slapping myself upside the head and telling myself, “Get over it! No, it doesn’t make sense that he would call YOU. You’re right – you’re NOT worthy! But you are who you are. This is your gift and this is what you have been called to do.” Having made that determination, I set out to “walk in my gift”.

This presented yet another problem. See, I know that God loves me. Sometimes I feel like his favored child; petted and adored. I look at all the gifts he has given me and all that he does for me as evidence of his love and proof of my standing with him. He loves me. I remember when it wasn’t always so, when I didn’t feel so special. I wasn’t so sure of his love unless I was being particularly good, like he was Santa Claus. Now, I feel that love so acutely that I all but forget that I am not the only one he loves. That’s when pride, arrogance and a sense of entitlement come into play and I begin to believe my own hype. It’s the very absence of all humility. I’ve said things and thought in my own heart, “Their efforts would be nothing without me.” I was convinced that my gift made all the difference. I was rather full of myself.

True, this paints a rather unflattering picture of me but let me say in my defense, extremely low self esteem and thinking very highly of oneself are actually two sides of the same coin. In the past, I have been guilty of both. As a matter of fact, I can jump from one to the other in the course of a day – several times. I tried to combat those feelings of unworthiness with an inflated sense of my own value. Now, I pray “Lord, deliver me from that arrogance.” I remind myself that I am special but so are we all. I love that God has the capacity to love us all that way – to make us all feel loved and cherished, like any good parent. I cannot delude myself into thinking like an only child. Now, the gift (or the absence, thereof) is not so important but the attitude in which I serve is. The challenge has become not letting it go to my head and believing myself more important that anyone else in the scheme of things. Yes, he does love me and I am gifted and I am important. And so are you.

Be blessed,

Loria